i would have loved to get this blog finished sooner, but, lemme tell ya, some things just aren't important anymore, and other thing just aren't going to ever get done. and i like it that way. here is my birth story.
on the morning of monday, october 12th, filip and i woke up and started like normal. we headed to lula for breakfast before going to my appointment with dr. hatoum for another biophysical ultrasound. i was feeling some cramping and having mild contractions that i thought were maybe happening at some kind of regular pace, but wasn't really sure. they were the same sort of contractions i had been having, so i wasn't getting my hopes up for anything.
when we went to see dr. hatoum, he started the ultrasound and told us that there wasn't much fluid in there and that it had to be time. he insisted i see Jen that afternoon for a non stress test. As soon as we left I called Jen and she could meet me later that afternoon. she asked me if i had prepared for the ultrasound the night before by consuming tons and tons of fluids, and when i said no, she said not to worry about the lack of fluid, it was because i hadn't drank a shit ton of water. i felt better about that. filip and i putzed around like regular and met up with Jen at 3:30. she hooked me up to the monitor and got started. i totally zoned out to the machine. i noticed this the previous time i had a non stress test, but this time around it was much more intense because i could feel contractions happening a little more and each time they'd happen i could see the needle bounce all the way to the top of the scrolling sheet of paper and i could see the heart rate numbers increase and decrease with every movement. it was totally mesmerizing. and then i became the most grateful at that moment over any previous moment for having taken the option to give birth at home, not hooked up to any monitors or machines or iv's or anything else of the like. being hooked up to the monitor, i was no longer important, even to myself. the focus was on the machine. it was all about what the machine was saying, not me. at one point, jen came back in to check on me and she was telling me about another midwife friend of hers, who was totally the most enthusiastic about home births, who even against her own will was sucked into the machinery instead of the laboring mom while practicing in the hospital. it happens to everyone, no matter what. i wasn't opposed to the non stress tests, i know they were necessary. im really glad i had those small opportunities hooked up to machines to re confirm and feel really confident about my decisions. so, anyway, my non stress test actually ended up being a cst, contraction stress test, because of the regularity of contractions, and everything was looking good! according to the cst the contractions were coming at about 5 to 6 minutes apart, but i was still feeling really normal, totally ok, and i was trying not to jump the gun or assume this was going to turn into real labor. i seriously don't think i could have taken another let down at that point, i was so exhausted and bummed out, finished. so, i didn't really think i was going into labor. from everything i've heard and read, seen, and obviously, years and years of media telling me that labor and birth was going to be the worst thing ever, i didn't feel like that, so i didn't think it was really happening.
i left jens office feeling pretty good, walked around the corner to meet up with filip and brandyn who were having a drink waiting for me to finish up. Jen instructed that i have a good night. pick up some castor oil and beers. have a good dinner, relax. have some castor oil, then later a drink before bed to help me chill out and just get some rest, keep her updated and give a call in the morning. we headed to whole foods, got the castor oil and some other delicious things. headed back to our place and had an awesome evening. filip made a delicious pot of chicken soup. we snacked, had dinner and awesome conversation. brandyn is an amazing person, and looking back on that night, i'm really glad she spent that evening with us. throughout the night, i could tell that my contractions were slowly snowballing, getting a little tiny bit more intense each time around, but they stayed at about 4 to 5 minutes apart. never got any closer. while we were all hanging around i decided not to take any castor oil. it seemed like things were progressing, even if rather slowly, and i really didn't want a super good evening to turn into me pooing my brains out on top of contractions. brandyn left around 9 or 10. filip and i hung around in the kitchen for awhile longer. i kept jumping out of my chair whenever a contraction would come around and sort of pace through the house for a second or lean up against the wall, then i'd return to the kitchen table and take my turn at scrabble. i finished off a glass of Caracole and around midnight had decided that we should get some sleep because later on or tomorrow morning things might kick into gear. never having given birth before, and not knowing what to expect or what i was going through, not being hooked up to any machines to tell us what was going on, i assume that at the point where we had decided to go to sleep, i was probably actually at 6 or 7 centimeters, something like that. i didn't think much of it all yet, i figured i'd be laboring for a really long time, probably go into real labor this time tomorrow, you know? so, we laid down. both of us fell asleep. then i started waking up during each contraction. i'd fall asleep for a few minutes and would be startled awake with each time. finally around 3:00 am or so, i turned on the lamp, woke filip up, and had to sit up and just kind of take it for a while. the sleeping thing wasn't working for me anymore. we both sat awake in bed for awhile, kind of making small talk, making fun of the animals, then me going on about contractions not being fun anymore, or something like that. i think we hung around in bed like that for an hour-ish and decided to try the sleeping thing again. sleeping again was not successful for me. the contractions still were about 4 minutes apart, and lasting the same length in time, just getting more intense. at this point, when a contraction would come on i'd start begging filip to do something about it because it was almost too much, even making primal monkey noises weren't really helping anymore. in my mind, this was the point in which i had started going into labor. this was what my head thought 'real labor' was, and i assumed that i would be doing that for hours on end. with every contraction i kept telling myself that it was ok, and it was suppose to hurt, and i had to just let it hurt and it would be ok, even though i didn't believe it. i was trying to gear myself up to do this for a long time. except it was getting more intense, and i knew it was pointless to keep begging filip to make it stop and keep on in the same way. i decided to head to the bathroom. my thought process was that maybe if i secluded myself for a few minutes and gathered myself together, take some deep breaths and re focus, i would be able to get a handle on everything and stop myself from slipping into this sort of panic. i think i went into the bathroom around 4:00 or 4:30. i thought i was only in there for maybe 15 or 20 minutes, but it was quite a bit longer. i now realize that when i went into the bathroom, nature had completely taken over at that point, and my head was in a completely different, totally primal place. i also realize now, the contractions i was having just before going into the bathroom that were super intense, which i thought at the time was 'real labor' was actually transition. in the bathroom, the first few contractions i had were tough, but i made it through them quietly, and was like "ok, this is ok. i'm alright." they started getting a little tougher and i thought that maybe if i drew a bath and sat in the bathtub for a minute, it could ease the pain. i barely remember doing this, but i got up off the toilet and turned the faucet on. i plunked back on the toilet and grimaced through another contraction. (in case you were wondering, at some point when i first got in the bathroom, i took my unders off because i had to pee in between each contraction and honestly, i kept trying to poo, because pooing brings on contractions, and even though i didnt want to have another one, i also didn't want to be doing this anymore, and the only way to make it stop was to let it run its course.) so, this contraction was something else. it instantly sent me into the whole 'fight or flight' thing. i felt my hips separate. literally, i felt this like 'crick!' and my bones opened up. at that instant, still on the toilet, totally terrified, i flung the bathroom door open as fast as i could and started screaming for filip. he had fallen back asleep and when he didn't immediately respond i nearly went into a panic frenzy. i started screaming louder and repeating orders: Call Jen!! Call Andrea!! Baby's Coming!! Turn Off the Water!! i remember briefly being super irritated that the water was running, and the thought of being wet was awful. ha. filip turned off the water, made the calls, everyone was on their way. and then, i had another contraction, that was another something else. i felt a huge force moving down. i remember begging filip to call Jen back, the baby was really coming. a second later, i had another contraction, i reach down and felt the babe crowning. filip was on the phone with Jen standing in the doorway of the bathroom, i was screaming that the baby was crowning. i never pushed, i actually tried holding it in out of fear, but that wasn't happening. all i remember is that a minute later the head was completely out, i was terrified to move, i didn't want to hurt myself or the baby, but i managed to hoist myself up a small bit, leaned onto the bathroom sink and the next second, the baby's whole body slid out super fast and somehow, i caught it. i never had to actually push. i didn't go into that whole euphoric, drug-like, hormone induced blissful place like all the home birth videos say. i went into this mama-bear-protector-back-into-a-corner-hiss-at-everything mode. still on the toilet, i held that slimy ass baby as tight and as close to me as i could. i looked down at it. it was covered in slime, bright red, big ass smokey gray eyes already looking around. i picked some shit out of its nose but it was already breathing perfectly anyway and making these tiny baby chicken noises. i looked up and realized filip was still on the phone. Jen was instructing him to pat on the baby's back to get a good wail out of it. filip was patting its back, it screamed. jonah came running in barking his ass off, and as soon as the baby heard jones barking it stopped crying, and was perfectly content. jonah never left our side from that minute on. filip hung up the phone, laid down a ton of towels and helped me to the floor. i lifted the baby up to my chest, we didn't get an immediate latch but there was plenty of rooting and we started working on it. i, obviously, ordered filip to get the camera.
i realized right then that we still didn't even know what kind of baby we had. i checked it out. i was wrong in my previous assumption. our baby was a boy. it was just me, filip and owen. on the bathroom floor. it was fucking incredible. it was quiet for a minute, then owen peeped and i referenced a story filip had just told me about walking into a chicken coop during quiet time and there was always one chicken making a weird chicken noise when it should be quiet. we both just kind of looked at each other and at owen in disbelief. filip was shaking like a leaf. he said he needed a drink. i said he should have one. it was only about 15 or 20 minutes until everyone got here, practically all at once. Jen came in and got right to business. Lynne and Andrea were getting things ready and organizing. Jen clamped the umbilical cord and filip cut it. filip took owen. Jen wanted to deliver the placenta, while i wanted it to deliver itself, but since my blood pressure had been so high recently she was super worried that i would hemorrhage so we had to get going. she tugged the cord a bit and with minimal pushing we got that sucker out, completely in tact. then Jen says "omg, there's a knot!" the umbilical cord was tied in a true knot. pretty crazy. Owen must've flipped around and tied it back in the fifth or sixth month when he still had room, luckily it wasn't tied tight enough to cause any problems at all.
from there we moved into the bedroom and took care of everything else. owen was in good shape, with exception of his temperature being a little low. i was in good shape with exception of my blood pressure being a little high. i had no tearing or anything of the sort so no stitches! everyone warmed a ton of blankets, towels and hats in dryer and oven for Owen and my midwife instructed i drink a neat pour of Fernet Branca. midwives are amazing. i can't even imagine what would have happened to either of us if we were in a hospital, surely the doctors wouldn't have prescribed alcohol, and i probably wouldn't have had a chance to hold Owen yet. it took a little time on both accounts, but eventually my blood pressure came down and Owen's temperature came up. Owen weighed in at 6 lbs 8 ounces and 19 inches long. we all hung out in the bedroom for quite some time, checking everything, describing what happened, filling paperwork, snacking, and marveling at Owen. everyone eventually left around 10:30 or 11:00 am. as tired as both filip and i were, we couldn't really sleep at all. i think maybe filip zonked out for a minute here and there, but for me, i was too excited and reeling and geared up and amazed at everything. i was so exhausted but sleep was the last thing i wanted to do. it was fucking insane. i still can't believe it, really. i can't believe i'm not pregnant anymore and i totally can't believe that everything went exactly perfect, not a single flaw, resulting in this amazing, perfect little babe. everything seems so fragile, anything could have gone wrong, and nothing did. i have no idea how or why, but jeez, it was incredible. i really wanted Jen and Lynne and Andrea to be there and help me through the whole ordeal, i had no intentions of having an unassisted birth, but i wouldn't change a single thing if i had to do it all over again. i'm super fucking proud and thankful and overjoyed at how Owen's birth went. i'm so grateful that we had those few minutes just to ourselves. at some point between crowning and birthing, i was seriously saying to myself "oh god, this is really happening" in a sort of panic-y kind of way.
so. now we're two and a half weeks in. the exhaustion has made us a little loopy. otherwise, no one could have ever described or explained or prepared us. this is more amazing than anything that has happened to me. this is above everything. this is so much greater and instantly put everything in perspective. things that use to be important just aren't. i feel amazing about not giving a shit about things i thought i really cared about. im so thankful for filip, and it happened at this time in my life, radical and spontaneous a decision or not, this all lined up perfectly, and everything is super natural and normal. we're not scared of anything with this guy. we're not worried, or over sensitive, totally at ease with everything and this dude is super calm and quiet and easy going. its pretty amazing. if i was a black girl, i'd say "im blessed." its pretty funny, Owen is the most quiet and calm anytime we're at a bar. he is his father's son.
i've been trying to get this blog post out forever, but yeh, somethings have made it to the back burner. I am getting back on track though, and will be trying to get back to at least one post per week, like before. i am updating flickr quite often, so even if i can't get a blog out, there's always tons of new photos and small descriptions.
i love this, i absolutely adore it. i told you i would, regardless of how defensive i felt i had to be and how miserable i was pregnant. everything is pretty amazing, and timing couldn't be better...i love you schlafly's and new glarus and pumpkin ales and fall beers, smoked porters, ipa's and apa's taste so delicious again and i'm so excited for barleywines and christmas ales. ahhh! yiiiis! things are very good. and we love our very small person very, very much.
