i feel like, sometimes maybe, when you're exposed to something so regularly, you tend to forget what its like not being exposed to it, like you start to get too accustomed and forget the reality of things or how things would be if you weren't always submerged in it, like totally going numb to it, and then you start to lose grasp at how drastic the situation actually is.
i think i've been subject to cases like this several times so far in regular life. probably the first memorable time was when i got the job at the unique thrift store on st. charles rock road in high school. going to thrift shops on occasion before getting the job i noticed the smell, all the stains and the grimey dirty grossness and the crazies, etc. after working there for a while, i couldn't smell anything strange, i had the sniffles non-stop, the thought wouldn't cross my mind to wash my hands before touching my food (which is hilarious to me now, being that every time i'm thrifting i have these horrifying thoughts of being forced to lick my hands upon leaving the thrift store), and it seemed pretty normal to be sorting through donations and come across a bag of donated dildos.
another significant instance would be a relationship i was in for quite sometime a few years back. looking back on things, previous to my relationship with Filip, it is the most significant relationship i was ever in, super sad and for all the wrong reasons. any other guy i've dated should have that title, for sure. but i guess every other guy i've dated has my fondest memories, feelings, friendship and best wishes towards them now, where this one doesn't have any of those things. its the give and take of the whole thing, i guess. it was a horribly abusive relationship, in every sense of the word. mentally, emotionally, physically. every aspect of it was completely manipulative. looking back at the person it made me become is so unbelievable. i felt totally trapped. i felt like i there was nothing i could do to ever re-gain happiness again and i didn't believe in happiness or love at all. i knew there was no way it was possible to exist. i honestly felt like the only way my situation was ever going to change was if he died or if i killed myself. seriously, how fucking sad. that was the end of it for me. i had no friends. he ruined all of my friendships, ones that i'm still trying recover today, years later. he temporarily ruined my relationship with my family. he cornered me every chance he could, lorded everything over me, even things i brought into or had before the relationship, and i was totally a prisoner. looking back on it, i have no idea how i ended up where i was, but at the time there was absolutely no escaping. things, to me, were normal then, like, i thought every couple had screaming matches to the caliber that we had. all boyfriends physically cornered and trapped their girlfriends to scream in their face and rear back their fists at them. i mean, i know it seemed sort of wrong and extreme but my actual thought process was that, well, i had surely done something or upset the situation bad enough to take a swing. i really lost touch with reality. i had no idea how crazy things were. crazy abuse was normal for me then and i expected it. i thought i would always be lied to in the most extreme and absurd manner, and i was just on my own. it was better not to uncover or call out a lie because if i did i'd have to pay for it in the worst way ever. i had important tasks to tend to anyway, like making sure the dogs felt like they were safe, even though none of us were. and the mind/body connection shit that went along with all of that was absolutely insane. totally screwed up. if i've referred to an ex telling incredible tall tales, or something of the sort, this is the one i was talking about. since that relationship ended i still hear a ton of stories from the outskirts of friends of friends. lies about myself, making me out to be the completely different person than i am or ever was, lies about our relationship, about himself. lies that he cant even remember telling or keep straight to who he told them to. its sad, really, especially seeing the cycles of people who have been friends with him and realize what its like, and then distance themselves from him.
anyway, so recently, currently, there has been this preposterous situation happening alongside and kind of correlating to my pregnancy, but really overall just the plain fact of filip and i being together, which sadly, seems like a given at this point. i mean, as it goes on or a new thing arises from it, i'm like (in a flava flav kind of way) "wooooooooooooaaaaaaaah! that's nuts." but then i get on with everything and its whatever. like i'm totally use to its ridiculousness and it has become nermal and expected, pretty much. but then when i talk about it to friends and confidants and hear their thoughts on how bizarre and crazy it is, it really kind of puts things into perspective for me. like, i feel more confident in knowing how remarkably insane the situation and behavior is and that it is definitely not Normal. with everything that is happening in my life right now, its easier than before for me to see that this is a situation in which the reality for it itself is really just that: its very own diluted reality where it is so desperate to pull everyone else down with it. its just so fucked up that it is happening, that a person actually chooses to put so much effort and focus so hard into being so negative. there's not enough time to waste so much energy that way, its a terrible thing and i really just feel sad for them, their loss, you know?
"tell her to go boil a bunny"
so then, all of this tying into what the reality of my situation actually is: that i'm more in love with Filip now, and more everyday, and with the due date getting closer, more in love with this kid than the day before and the day before. we're both getting more and more anxious to meet this baby. the further along into everything that we get, the further away everything else outside of us seems. any of the negative stuff just keeps getting foggier and foggier. so maybe i'm actually getting myself into a non-reality reality (? i kind of don't know what im talking about but i do), a reality that i've never really felt like i've known, or a situation in which the extreme overall feeling that becomes normal is overwhelming happiness. but then if that becomes normal will i appreciate it for what it is all the time or will i need someone to point that out to me like before when friends and family are like "yo, that really is crazy"? i don't think so. i sorta think i'll be appreciating every second of this incredible snowballing accumulation of happiness. i feel like i already do. and even more and more every second i get to spend with Filip and our babe when it is born. i never expected this to be easy and it is. its so easy. this relationship is easy. this pregnancy is easy. i guess maybe, at the end of it, its just a lot of love and how could anything be hard or difficult about that? i mean, we have everyday stresses and things like that like normal people, but even with those we have so many more moments of amazing laughter and fantastic conversations and the most comfortable quiet time and the times when we're not together and still miss each other like crazy and so many things that make this the most perfect situation each of us could possibly be in. we both appreciate it and have so much love, i think that's what makes it easy. i couldn't think of a better time in my life or a more perfect situation to bring a little babe into. perfect. sure, there are things we'd love to see change or different, but those are all things out of our reach, things that are totally out of our control, so it is what it is and we're unmoved, we're actually closer with each other because of those things, you know? its soooo fucking gay and movie-like and cliche and i fucking love every second of it and am so fucking proud and happy that this is happening and that it has all evolved the way it did. in my head, i just heard Dee say to me "dang, gina!" haha.
major happy sigh! otherwise, check it out dudes! we hung up the Threadless wall mural my moms got us from
blik in the baby room. our baby's gonna have a bangin nursery! so fuckin cute! we were both so happy and nerdily excited after putting it up last night:
this is all really exciting. i really want to meet this baby. we both are so excited to show it all the amazing things we know and show it around and do normal things and be happy. i know only about 7 weeks left, but it still seems far away! i want it to be happening now! i'm ready for the next phase in all of this! bring it!
