Tuesday, April 14, 2009
oh god, this is really happening. i'm encouraged to blog again, so i suppose i'll give a quick run-down of the past 6 months and then maybe keep going from there, and then maybe it'll all kind of make some sense. well, it probably won't make any sense, but at least then you'll know. you know? i'll also say right now that in this process i don't plan on excluding certain details for saving feelings sake, so sorry in advance if i offend or piss off or hurt someone's feelings, but this is how it is.
this week marks 16 weeks of my first pregnancy. it is really happening. it seems like, from television and movies and books, that some people have affirmations that they tell themselves or other self-motivating habits or quirks. i don't think i have ever had anything like that to say to myself, but on a frequently repeating basis i have found myself telling myself "oh god, this is really happening." alot, actually. all throughout my adult existence, and probably alot in my teenage and pre-teen years, but i'll save everyone and only backtrack about 6 months.
roughly 6 months ago i started seeing my boss. not like, i saw him everyday at work sort of thing. it was like, uh, a real life relationship developing and after work secret doing-it meetings, only i wasn't going to get a promotion or anything of that sort. neither of us intended anything, nor did either of us see it coming at all, and i really didn't know what was going to happen. most of me wanted to act like it wasn't happening and i kept telling myself it was going to stop happening. i don't know, because of the situation i was totally in denial of everything i wanted and everything i was guilty of. so let me tell you about the situation. oh god. my then-boss, filip, co-owns a business (still does) where i was employed, where his co-owner is, um, his wife. ok, yeh, i am an idiot but they've been seperated for 2-ish years. and yeh, i'm an idiot because she was my boss too, and a pretty good friend prior to all this. hence all of the denial and guilt i was feeling. ack. but, in my defense, let me also say that his wife, prior to filip and i getting together, had repeatedly, uh, sort of, offered up filip for me or any other friend as someone we should date. wha? and also, it didn't appear, even in the slightest bit, that there were absolutely any signs that there were any feelings, say romantically or anything of that sort, left between the two of them. she had dated a good handful of dudes since they had split, and was quite known for dragging filip's name through the mud on a regular basis and regularly proclaiming that the best thing that had happened was them splitting up. so, i dunno, that lead to a lot of confusion. so right, about a month or so after filip and i had been seeing each other, the awkwardness got increasingly horrible. i couldn't take it so i did what i had to. during a casual hang-out, just the two of us, i told her. the reaction was horrendous, and still is, i think, but what do i know? there was silence, then that look of her brutally murdering me with her eyes, then she immediately stormed out. side note: she already knew, and i prefaced the confession with those words. i know this, because everyone else in the neighborhood had pretty much put 1 + 1 together and a few nights prior she had followed filip back to my house and had apparently made a huge scene of it. the two of us, literally, have not spoken in real life, with real words, since then. for days after i did the right thing and told her, i received an un-excusable amount of rotten text messages, but no real talking. so, did i do the wrong thing here? i deserved to have my name dragged all through the mud of logan square, and still do, right? needless to say, i do not work for the either of them. i was fired, quit, let-go, extinguished, laid off, what-have-you, on christmas eve. not that i wanted to continue working there or anything, but its just funny. i heard through the grapevine while i was at home in st. louis for christmas. a friend who is a friend of a girl that worked there texted me a brief version of the news. so i called a different fellow employee and she informed me that they had been informed that i was no longer with the business. really, no one had the balls to let me know first, as if i didn't expect or wouldn't find out within a matter of minutes of such a broadcast. shit spreads like wildfire, you know? ok wait, so really, i guess im just blogging on how awesome and honest and upstanding i am myself. ha. i rule. ok, back to whatever. long story short, the whole goddamn neighborhood was involved, shit was being talked about myself in directions i never thought possible and it was down-right hilarious, and still kind of is, what sort of shit keeps getting back to me. really.
ok, so now its after christmas break. everyones back in chicago, we all (me + filip) missed each other and everything is great and lovey dovey and crap. keep in mind that, even though i haven't heard from my other ex-boss, filip did, and still does on a daily basis. and although i don't know at what lengths, nor do i care to know those lengths, i do know that at that point in time, there was still an awful lot of brutal tension and horrid things being said and texted to him on a really regular basis. (sidenote: it is still going on, i believe.) anyway, at some point during a lazy day of goofing off and eating delicious food and laying in bed too long, filip and i had a brief conversation about kids and having a baby. i mean, this subject had been brought up before, we'd drunkenly goof off about our future kid or argue about names or whatever, but this brief conversation was serious. you know? and god knows what i've been serious about in the past, you know? let us not even get started there, because that would take forever and it would be hilariously embarrassing. so obviously, the mature and serious thing to do after that very serious conversation would totally be to stop taking birth control. duh.
who'da thunk it would have all cultivated that quickly. i must have conceived within minutes of that conversation. seriously. immaculately. but i wouldn't know for quite sometime. at some point around late january it seemed like my period may have been late so i took a pregnancy test that came up negative. so i kept boozing and being retardedly irresponsible, like normal, like an idiot. after a while, it really seeemed like something goofy was happening, but i then decided for whatever reason, to act like it wasn't. i put off getting another pregnancy test for weeks. i felt pretty normal so i just acted normal. until filip made me take another test because it really had gone on long enough. that one said i was pregnant. and so it started. but it didn't, i swear.
my first trimester, if i really had one, was non-existant and pretty much like nothing was really happening. i was hardly convinced i was pregnant. sure, i finally grew a chest, but maybe i was really just a super super late bloomer. no nausea, no barfing, no real mood swings, no food aversions, no cravings, no swelling or bloating or any freakin changes at all. seriously. i didn't really think it was happening. then slowly, over the past 2 months-ish, i've seriously started believing that this is really happening. so yeh, i totally believe what laura said, that someone finally gave me break on something, you know? since this whole relationship ordeal has been retarded and stressful enough i got off pretty easy with the first trimester. totes. karma.
just last friday we heard its heartbeat for the first time. oh god, this is really happening. i didn't think it would affect me like it did, but something totally changed in that second. i have 2 heartbeats. i am growing a baby. i cried.
so, hospitals and doctors scare the junk out of me and make me incredibly nervous. my first instinct about having a kid was absolute fear of a doctor. i dont think im scared to be pregnant, or to even birth this thing, but a horrifyingly cold, rude, bullying doctor telling me that im too small to deliver a baby scared me to pieces. not to mention the myriad of other un-trustful opinions and decisions i could be pressured into. and also not to mention that my health insurance is altogether a piece of shit that wouldnt cover maternity, and that because of my piece of shit insurance i had racked up a retarded amount of bills from northwestern that have gone unpaid (since i dont have a job) so much that they refuse to schedule me any sort of appointments. heh.
so obviously, all of these factors with a ton of added research led me to my midwife. i'm thrilled and excited and really comfortably happy. totally not scared at all. we're planning a home birth. or apartment birth, you know. oh right, yeh, haha, me and filip are moving in together in two weeks. heh. so currently i'm on a hunt for a doula in training who can help me out either free of charge or at a really super reduced rate, since i'm out of work. and i'm working the government, got my medicaid, signing up for wic and link. things are falling into line, but thats doesn't mean that it will be any less dramatic or there wont be a million more instances in this situation where i repeat to myself "oh god, this is really happening."
so at the beginning of sixteen weeks things are totally changing and are seriously pregnant now. i'm seriously showing, and it seems like more and more everyday. and there's no getting around it, no more excuses. pants don't fit, shirts dont reach my waistband anymore. next time i'm heckled at lula for eating 2 breakfasts, i'm going to tell them why, because otherwise i would just be a real weirdo.
from here, i'll just keep you updated. i'll post some pictures or some rad links about midwifery or regular stuff, you know? and since i dont have a job, i may be posting a lot. so if no one is reading this, thats fine, at least im already feeling a little more normal.